I am about to be done w/ the official therapy, i think anyway. I totally missed this weeks apointment and haven't called Dr. H to let him know why.

I feel so irresponsible lately. I recognize that in some ways i am internally battling a lot of things and sometimes that tends to zap a lot out of me. BUT really I am probaly just lazy and a procrastinator. I didn't call Dr. H, I haven't cleaned up my house well, i haven't applied for my pta license so i can get back to work in a field w/ more money,etc. etc.

I have also been irresponsible in my alcohol consumption. I used to drink almost every night. I haven't done that much lately but I have had two horrible experiences of falling off the deep in within a month of each other. Last nights was really bad. I knew I was getting pretty lit and all but then BAM!!! I am sick as a dog, puking and shitting and saying nasty things to June. I sure hope she forgives me and looks past it.

It is so wierd that it would happen last night. The night before and the morning of I felt so close to God. i could feel His presence all around me. I had really been beating myself up after the Hammer asked me to come speak at some youth event he is doing. I mean come on I am not exactly the kind of guy parents would tell their teens to imitate. i have soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo many issues it ain't even funny. But for some reason I felt like God said it is ok. I am as interested in your "holiness' as your willingness. I had such peace suddenly about this "speaking engagement". i have had a message rolling around in my head ever since the first convo w/ the hammer. More insight and examples seemed to pour in as i listened to God and thought more about it.

Then i go and pull a stunt like last night. What the heck is wrong w/ me? Am i running? Am I just too messed up to ever live the way I wish I did? What is the internal thing in me that seems to always drive me to failure and create guilt that will never leave?

So here i sit the first entry in months and it sounds like i haven't grown or walked in further down the path than when i started but I know that isn't true. i have settled some issues w/in myself. i have cancelled some distuctive internal beliefs that were literaly killing me. YET ther seems to be so much more work to do. Maybe I shouldn't stop therapy but then I feel like there will always be a reason to be depressed and to fight through it. There will always be times when I fall way beneath the standards I have set for myself and I must learn to forgive me and move on. So I feel like it is just part of life to struggle and learn and gain strength from all that happens botht the ggod and the bad b/c "ALL things work together for good".
So this hung-over ex-preacher is going to go enjoy a beautiful day and a great PPV fight on TV w/ family and friends! Wishing us all luck on the journey!