Fatherhood has also made me more reflective or contemplative might be the word especially after the last few days. Sickness tends to give me just the right amount of "down" time to think. I say "down" like that b/c it is not only physically down and slow but also mental/emotional down time to really think.
Random things I've realized lately:
- I am very co-dependant, esp. when it comes to other peoples approval and appriciation of me and my work.
-I realize this neediness fueled a lot of my work/ministry at L&T. Trying to gain approval from Ed. I remember traveling w/ him to a conference one time where he describe someone as "sharp". I think I worked for the rest of my time there trying to earn that compliment. Not that he was one to share compliments much. Most I received from him were in talking to others about me when i just happen to be around.
- i have really been slacking at my duties as a husband and a father. Really just as a man in general- i tend to be sickly and wimpy a lot. I hate it! It sucks to be that way. I always make vows to change it, to be more john Wayne and like my dad the tough quite guy who never hurts or complains but then I end up whining all over again about everything.And not helping around the house and crashing cars into porches! Yeah whole 'nother story.
-I have been out of "ministry" as long as I was in it. Maybe that says I should just move on- let the past be the past. Maybe I should realize my calling will never be back to that church or maybe any church. Heck, i don't even attend church, how can I pastor one? If I've been away that long and "ministry" was only like this 4 yr. stint in my life and then lets say two yrs. to recover and deal w/ fall out why is that place and those people my primary thought of Christianity and church? LET IT GO -Move on NOW!!!! Before I lose anymore time.
-Why am I skeptical and negative more than I used to be? It is wierd b/c i know and believe more in God's great care of me than ever. i have witnesssed it more and felt His grace in such amazing ways- why be negative and cynical. I guess the cynicism is general directed at religion and that can be understood, but maybe I should let a lot of that just slide on by, knowing it doesnt effect me.
- i had these wierd dreams last night one w/ what seemed like an interpretation later on and one that I am still trying to compute. The one w/ intrepretation had me and June running from some "evil" people to try and get married or something like that. We end up getting to some "Vegas-like" place where this guy we know who is a preacher was Elvis and we had joke-like photos in a coffin area. Which i interpreted to mean no matter what we face June and i will make it to our dream of a ten yr. anniversary in Vegas w/ an Elvis impersonator and the whole cheesy bit. Some of the people we have know will helps us get there but some will have to be lost( another guy I worked for in college was killed helping us and one of my HS friends killed him as part of the enemies task force). The other dream had Ed talking to me about being part of a team and did I really want to be out on my own, blah, blah. In the dream he and I also finally had words over the whole starting another church in FP's back yard. I don't remember him saying much on that-maybe i woke up before that point.
- amother thought I've been having about Ed is that I don't want to have bad feelings toward him and distance myself from him only to look back someday and regret it as I do w/ my previous mentor-RW. I think most of my cont. bad feelings toward Ed at this point have to do not w/ what happen b/t us but w/ how he is handling the whole church split deal. Y is not right in all he has done or is doing, either, so I am not just absently defending him. I just feel that starting another church was absolute the wrong and unGodly thing to do.
-I absolutely must begin to organize and plan and dream my life more. I need to start making to do list, goal list, reading list and holding myself accountable to them. i nned an outside source to help keep me accoutable, maybe something online.
Ok the hour is up the doc. has heard enough ramblings and I need to go BE a father and husband.