Better Life
[2006-04-23] - [9:32 p.m.]
- + - + - + - + - + - + - + -

Wow! I am FINALLY going to get to set down and write in here. So very much has happened and changed and went on. I just somehow never find a moment to document it other than like @12midnight when I have to be at work at like 8am.
Well i am 29 now! I don't really mind that this is my last year in my twenties. I don't mind being 30 or any age I don't think. I am excited to be alive and living the wonderful life I have.
That is another significant change, I am actually totally enjoying my life. Sure I want to work on a few things and that is why i am continuing my counseling sessions and meds, but all and all I feel better than I have maybe ever. I have found peace w/ my present and hope for my future. It was there all along I am sure of it b/c God is there all the time. It was just that I had to recognize it. I had to become comfortable w/ myself and my words and my opinions esp. about ME! As Dr. Netterville would say, "Other peoples opinions about me are none of my business". He talked the other day about "standing w/ one foot in the past and one foot in the future- pissing on ther present". That made so much sense to me and I know that is what I was doing for so long. I was upset about the past and so unsure of my future. I am still quite unsure of my future but I know it will be okay. Today I enjoy today! Jesus said something like, "tomorrow has its own evils or own worries". In other words just live in today b/c tomorrow will come w/ things to take care of then. Mark Twain said, "Most of the things I have worried about never happened and the ones that did I couldn't do anything about anyway". I've thought about that a lot lately and can really see the truth in that statement.
I have in my sessions written about my anger and bitterness towards Eddie and many of the past. I have written all the lies I tell myself. I have written new and freeing truths that I believe and will combat those lies. But probably one of the most freeing things was to discuss closing the chapter on working for Big Ed. I realized I no longer hold a huge grudge against him and others. I just know him and his system of operation. I chose not to be under the control of either. Once i fit in there like just one more spoke or gear turning the big machine. Now I would be a wrench thrown into the machine which would cause all kinds of trouble. I don't want anyone to suffer any more esp. my family and me so I just chose to not go that route. Thanks for all I learned there and thanks for the memories but I'm not that kid who left w/ his tail b/t his legs. I also am not the kid who took all the abuse while working there. I just wouldn't stand for it anymore. I am not as religious or dedicated to organized religion as i was then. i believe God is working all around us and often times in greater measure outside the walls of churches than w/ in.
I am free to be happy at my present job and to enjoy the life June and i are making here. I no longer feel a need to jump back into "ministry". In fact i have given myself at least a two year buffer on even thinking about that decision. God will have to speak loudly and abundantly clear!
(Raising bottle of Corona) Here is to a full life!!!!!

- + - + - + - + - + - + - + -

before - after