HOPE
[2006-03-09] - [10:15 a.m.]
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Last night was one of the greatest nights of my life. June, her mom and I all went to our new favorite sushi/habachi restraunt for a delicious meal. We, then came home to watch the Project Runway finale-Go, Chloe! Daniel should have won, but that is another story. June is hooked to this show, and I am glad. It is good entertainment that we all can enjoy together. We all had cocktails and chocolate as we watched-you would have thought we were throwing a really rich people party! HA! I think the new meds June and I are on has increased our tolerance for alcohol(and another enjoyable, heh!) so we ended up w/ quite a few cocktails followed by straight out tequilla shots! By the end we were both worried about making it upstairs. We did to enjoy each other endlessly!!!!! (TMI! for outside readers I know) Then we just held each other and spoke so sweetly of our love and how it has grown despite the hell we've been through and that actually the trials have only brought us closer and made us appreciate each other more. We fell asleep that way-it was so sweet and enduring. I woke up this morning realizing I had been dreaming about her for over two hours. We continued in the same passion and excitement of last night. She is asleep now, as I should be since we both work tonight and still have hours before we go in. However, my mind is a buzz. I have laid awake praying thanking God for my wonderful life and my wonderful wife. I have asked Him for direction in our lives which I know He has promised to provide. I have also focused greatly on the HOPE He promises as well. One of my favorite verses has always been Jer. 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you... plans to give you HOPE and a future." For someone, as my therapy sessions have revealed, who has always been a goal setter I have always enjoyed knowing God had a future for me. Even the the last two trying years I have read that verse many times and found comfort believing that God is not finished w/ June and I yet in His plans. But for some reason this morning, I real felt impressed about the hope part. He promised us not only the future, which let's face it real is in His control anyway, esp. if we are going to truly let go and follow Him, BUT He also promised us HOPE. It is the hope June and I need right now. Well, maybe I shouldn't speak for her but for me it is the hope I need right now. I need hope to believe, to trust, to know that everything is going to be ok! THAT I AM OK! I got up and was rambling through all of my bags looking still for my palm pilot USB cable so I can get back to using it again. I ran across old notes in a briefcase June got me for a birthday present that I had forgotten what was in it. It contained the notes from the conference Conan and I went to together where we first heard Rob Bell. Ohh, how he tore into my soul that day. If I had listened and applied that message then as I would today, who knows what might have happen in my ministry. I probably still would have been let go by Big Ed b/c I would have said I am no longer doing it "this way". "This way" being to the detriment of my own soul and family at 60-80 hours a week running way too many programs and not impacting lives at the core levels. Rob Bell made a statement that penetrates my heart to this day and I hope always does. "The relentless pursuit of who God made you to be is all you are called to. Everything else is SIN!" He got it from his therapist in the middle of his breakdown. One statement from his notes this morning had to do w/ being healed in your soul. I don't remember the exact statement now but I think that is part of what the HOPE is about. Being healed in the area that has in some way doubted- doubted myself, of course, but also others; the church; maybe even God(though I hate to admit that-it feels like sin to even say it.) But maybe hope restores the faith that I once had in all of that esp. in myself and God. We can deal w/ trusting others and the church, inc. at later times. Hope may help me stop focusing on all I am not and all I don't have and feel like I can't be and do, etc., etc. and start to see the good that I am, the great things I already have in my life, the talents that I do possess. So today I HOPE!

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