Guilt glue
[2006-02-16] - [10:34 p.m.]
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The 2nd visit to the therapist went well. We mainly discussed my test. Apparently I am at least an honest person or at least I took the test honestly. The test showed very high levels of depression and anxiety. The anxiety also showed leanings of obsesive behaviors(way to go- another character trait from mom). Speaking of which in the next couple of sessions he wants to explore family of origin, that should get interesting!! I bet he'll figure out real quick where the part of me that carries this depression; anxiety; guilt, like some kind of hypoxy-stuck-on-super glued-emotional-heap, comes from. Awww, it ain't all their fault but in my raising I sure learned a lot about guilt and manipultation. Funny he asked me if I really felt like I was that bad of a person or if the labels about myself and my behaviors were things said to me that seem to attach. He said I see Johnny letting people attach bad labels to him and making him feel guilty even more than he should. It really made so much sense. Not that I don't think I did anything wrong. It is just that I do feel like I have allowed some of the very negative things that were said to me in the days surronding those incidents stick to me. We also talked about how, for me, it is hard to know if my struggles and temptations are normal for everyone or more severe. Therefore I carry tons of guilt over those as well. All of this we are to explore later. He really wants me to see another MD b/c my depression readings were so off the chart he thinks I need some meds. That kind of bothers me. I already take more meds than my 85 yo grand-father. Plus it feels like saying even more than ever that I can't quite cope w/ life. But I have made the appointment and if meds will help me be more focused and be in less of a fog than I have been in for the past 2 years then so be it. I am committed to being a better person through all of this. I know it will not be an easy journey. The journey to the center of yourself- who you are, how you became that person, why you react the way you do to certain things, and so on and so on is not easy. Changing any of that won't be any easier either. But it has to be done in order to be the best me I can possibly be. As humans, we will spend tons of money and time on getting the best of everything why not get the best of us! I want to be the best me and then put that to use for GOD-where ever and whenever He choses! Maybe HE want pick Jackson, HA HA!

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