This whole song is just crazy and about how I feel lately!

I finally went to see a professional therapist. He is no Coppala(guy from Marble no the director) be he will do. He had me do a personality type test but it felt more like it was testing to see something about my HA's. There were so many HA questions on there. Anyway I guess it is supposed to help me get to know me and help in self-discovery too. The amazing thing is, I have had to hide and speak in code so much about all that has happened, and had so few to talk to about my feelings that when I finally had the chnace w/ someone I was actually paying to listen- it was hard to really open up and talk. I never expected that. I expected to just almost unload/ barf it all out on him so fast and so all at once that he'd be wheeling by the end. But instead I'm sure he felt like I was holding back and in someways I was. Maybe it has something to do w/ trust. I don't trust as quickly as I used to. Somtimes I still find myself sharing too much w/ people and regret it everytime. I know w/ your therapist it is ok but it is hard to turn off and on the when and where for me.

It is interesting w/ all that I should be focused on w/ the upcoming "ministers gathering" I can't seem to worry about more than how I should look and come off at that meeting. How freaking prideful is that? I just don't want to look like on of "them". I want to look like someone who is way more edgy and whatever than they ever allowed me to be or than they ever would be. But yet I want to look so BR so Gap so like I have it all together, etc. Man, I've got some pride to deal w/, don't I? I spent so much time last night looking for a really cool black blazer, of course it is the wrong time of year for black but you know me and black. But then why do I need another blazer esp. why do I "have to have" a cool black one. Just go w/ something you already have, Johnny. Be yourself. That is what cool really is anyway. That is what being OK really is all about. AND remember you want to clear some of the clutter and live a more simpler life w/o so many clothes, spending so much money, and w/o trying so hard to impress so many people. BE YOU! YOU are the gift God sent to His world for a specific purpose not to try and impress others either w/ the gift or stuff. Here just to enjoy life w/ God and celebrate all of His gifts found in all people everywhere. I must remember this esp. going into this meeting. There will be many there I don't particulally like or agree w/ and I must see them as God's children and His gifts. That'll be a challenge, we'll see how it goes.

For now I must worry about how to communicate all that is going on to my parents and to Conan. I haven't yet told my parents b/c I know the will have all kinds of questions that will create all kinds of worry and stuff for me. I haven't told Conan b/c of the way he was handled by the Don and b/c I fear that by not being rec'd back as June and I have been he will be hurt. Also I fear he'll see our having anything to do w/ Ed as betrayal to the friendship Conan and I have formed, although I feel I can be friends w/ both, and who knows maybe someday a peacemaker b/t the two of them. WORRY,WORRY WHAT ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT TODAY?