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What a day! Ohhh what a day! Today as many of you know was D-day, the man-to-man b/t big Ed and I. It wasn't the shoot out in the streets that it sounds in fact little fireworks or drama or emotions at all on the surface really, which is typical for us. We are both somewhat prideful men who have deep feelings, I suspect, about each other and all that has happened b/t us we just never seem to be able to say it all in person to each other. I can rail him out at home to June, in my head and even to a few close friends but never to him directly. I can never seem to communicate to him exactly what he did that was so painful to me or how painful it was. That or he is just such a selfish indidvidual it doesn't matter and he just wants to move on w/ his new agenda for my life. I really can't seem to figure out which one it is? B/c if I could communicate what and how deep the pain was and to some degree still is from all the shit he and others from his organization have put us through I would expect more than just "I'm sorry and now let's talk about what next job you can have in my organization". I really can't tell which it is: if it is a lack of his understanding the level of pain and hardship June and I have been through over the past two years or if it is simply his idea that all is forgiven , forgotten and now it is time to move on and the only way to do that is to restore us back to ministry under his supervision somewhere in his organization. Either way there are still some scarred emotions and hurt egos and damaged pysches that need to be worked on on both sides of the fence before we just jump right back into that jagernaunt of religiosity. I came home and down loaded as much as I could to June in her weakened condition. I feel so bad for her. I feel bad b/c of her back of course, but I feel bad b/c she has had to bear all of this for so long. I long to have somewhere else to download all of this to, to have another soundingboard for my problems. I feel as if I have no one! I can't talk to my parents b/c they can't handle it and b/c they just don't help nor need to bear the burden anymore either. I have NO friends. In desparation today I called somone that we were in counseling with in Colorado, a wise man we call the Rabbi. I got his wife and we just chit- chated about life in general, although I mentioned that Ed was trying to get back in our lives. The Rabbi and his wife are such sweet people and serve the Lord w/ all their heart loving sinner and saint alike. They have two foster children right now b/c they just knew it was the thing to do and b/c that is how they are. Anyway the Rabbi calls me back several hours later and I download some of the ordeal to him trying to make a long story short. He makes some keen insights about the fact that it proves Ed realizes he lost something in June and I and that we should feel honored in the fact that he is still pursuing us after two years. He also says though that he would want to know that Ed was going to treat me different if I worked for him again. That's a huge concern of mine!!!! Again I see Ed and I on two totally different wavelengths when it comes to a lot of ministry principles. Somewhere into the convo w/ the Rabbi he then says, "Well if it doesn't work out you can come work for me". I replied that his wife had mentioned their youth pastor had left. He said well yes and that in some way he said that tongue in cheek but that in some ways he was serious b/c he had even thought about us the other day. They are running youth by volunteer committee right now and would like to continue using that and a lot of lay leadership to run most of their ministries b/c he really sees that as the direction of the church. He is looking for more of an associate type guy who would just coordinate things and help put sysytems and tools together. All of that is right down my ally and the Rabbi from what I know would be much more on the wavelength that I am on than Big Ed, but Colorado? Ohh man this is too much for one day!!! This is too much for this week!!!! I mean we are just getting settled in here. We have June's mom to think of. A new relationship w/ her dad and baby sister to consider not to mention my family. Whew! Ohh! Do you want to know the funniest thing about Ed's deal today- we started off w/ small talk, you know traffic and all and then like two sentences more into it he says," I don't know what your situation is w/ the condo here and w/ June's mom and all how permenant and all, blah, blah"
And I can't remember exactly what all he said after that b/c I was dumbstruck thinking whoaa cowboy you just jumped right on that horse and we ain't even got her saddled and out of the stall yet. I mean we hadn't discussed the letters. Why he had changed his mind? what he had changed his mind about? anything? and he has us preparing to MOVE! That is how he thinks! People are just going to follow his agengda and plan b/c it is got to be. b/c it is the best and he really believes that and I believe he beilieve it is from God. I don't know about that yet. Sometimes i think it is just him and he wants God's rubber stamp on it. I am sooooo confused right now and really don't have a clue what to do. So I am really going to pray now and really going to seek some professional help- therapy is needed. I said it was the next step before ministry could begin and since I have basically had two ministry offers in one day looks like I better get started.