Changing Luck?
[2006-01-21] - [12:35 p.m.]
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"Your luck has been completely changed today." That is what my fortune cookie said last night. June's said, "nothing seems impossible to you". Well if the letter from Big Ed is the beginning of a restoration of that relationship then somthing has definitely changed b/c I had just about wrote all of that place off and out of my life. And believe you me restoring that relationship has at times looked completely impossible. So as Rob Bell would say I will claim these truths even if they come from fortune cookies.(which normally are just full of crap) If you want to read all of big Ed's letter you can go to June's page I won't recant the whole thing here. It was such a shock yesterday esp. since we are going to be in his town today seeing K-Dog/Conan, whom he also fired. I half way wanted to run into Big Ed and Spicey while we were there just to see what he'd say or see if we got some kind of reprimanding phone call over it. I believe if he knew we had a relationship w/ Conan it might end his desire to restore ours that is how warped he can be on restoration sometimes. Anyway, I hope we avoid each other this weekend now at least until I have time to talk to him about this current attempt to repair our relationship. June seems so concerned over how I will treat Ed now. She thinks I will some how end up hurting him. That my high demands of restortaion are more than he is capable of. That the letter is about as much as he can do. Last night she kept saying, "what more do you want from him" and "he can't win w/ you" or "he's not you, he's not that articulate w/ his feelings". Some how it really hurt me b/c I don't want to be the one who causes more pain. I started this whole thing in the first place. It was my betrayal of his and her's and everyone's including God's trust that got this whole snowball effect rolling. I just want it to end. It is just that the alientation, excile, and abandonment have caused such scars in my psyche. There is really only one thing I have truly believed I was ever born to do, and that was stripped away from me in a moment, mostly b/c of my own conduct and behaviors but also b/c the man I served w/ my whole heart knew no where to find grace and "walk me threw it". At times i have said i didn't deserve to be fired i am not so sure of that maybe I did. Maybe at the time that was the only solution anyone knew but surely in two years someone could have, before now, found it in there hearts to reach an arm out to a dying soul and said we still believe in you. That ONE character flaw doesn't stop you from being what we beileved you to be when you were called to this ministry and ordained and mantels were passed, etc. Two years is too long to let your son live alone in excile and to let him feel as if he has died. Yet I still love this man. I still believe God uses him. I almost feel as if God wants to use me to reach him on this grace and restoration issue. To show Ed a better way to deal w/ fallen people. I know Ed has a heart for them but as I said last week his current system and theology don't work for fallen people. Even now this feels as if I have finished some pentance and can be accepted again. As if I have passed the test or failed another test so his heart is even more broken b/c he realizes my failure of this test, not staying in ministry and true to his brand of Christianity is his fault. To be perfectly honest I am just not sure what is in his head and not sure that he knows. He like us I think just knows we love each other like family does in ways that sometimes doesn't make sense b/c no one hurts you like family. I am committed to meet w/ him. I am not sure what will become of it. At this point I think I will enter the conversation w/ as blank of a slate as I can. I am jaded. I can't just erase the past two years or heal over those deep scars overnight. What I can do is give this a chance, see what he has to say, see where he wants it to go and then see if any of that feels safe or at all like something that interest me. I don't think I have ever been more confused than in the past couple of weeks anyways and now to add this in. All I can do is hope that somewhere the Hand of God is in this and that we will have His Heart in it.

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