I am lonely tonight, not as bad as last night, but still lonely. I think in reading about community I miss the connectedness I once had w/ people. Of course, I realize too that it was surface connections to most b/c that was all that was allowed and all we really had time to build. I also know I am horrible at building friendships. I blame it on mine and June's work hours being so different from everybody else's and the fact that doesn't leave us much time together. However, to be honest I just don't seem to have the energy to really commit to doing the things it takes to build friendships. Most of my past friendships were built around work or church. Since no one seems to stay in retail long except the management and we all work separate hours from each other that seems to be out and other than the occassionly drop-in I don't attend church really anymore. Anyway I feel this way now and just a few months ago I felt like I could hold-up in some cabin hid away from everybody except June and just work from home on the internet and be fine, again welcome to the walking contradiction. Or the swinging pendulum of emotions whichever I am now!

I realize in reading, studying, praying and thinking lately, esp. the last two days as I've been off work and basically alone,that I miss being a part of something that is making a difference in the world, that is bigger than me, that is spreading the love, etc. I don't really want to go back to being a part of ministry or the church incorporated, at least not like I was. I want to go forward into to something even better. Maybe it is included in a church but maybe it isn't I don't know. I still find myself w/ the overwhelming belief that the church is God's instrument to bring good to the world. I still believe God uses local churches. Many are flawed, I know. Been there, done that, caused some of it. But I don't believe the flaws are unrepairable or that the course is unchangeable. Many in my generation are rising to winds of change longing for authenticity and relevance. Rob Bell is one of many voices pointing us towards the journey of following the ways of Jesus, of seeing our history in Judaism-learning from the Rabbis and their ways of learning, and moving forward toward what God has next. I want so badly to jump into the middle of this stream but don't know how. Most in ministry when they leave and wish to return, with fresh ideas and new ways, go back to a board or conference leaders. I don't have that pleasure. And the ideas and ways I wish to see ministry done would never fly w/ my old boss(not that I'd exactly want to work for him anyhow)! Here in Nashville the only people I know in ministry are a couple we hang out w/ occassionly who lead worship for the church we attended for a short time when we first moved here and the pastor from that church. I love the pastor from that church, he is right in the middle of that stream it is just that his church didn't seem to fit June and I very well. Maybe more precise June and I didn't try very hard to fit in that church. There are lots of reasons, none important enough to waste time on here. The only other person I really know who is still active in ministry is my friend Kevin, who pastors a small church and loves Rob Bell also. Kevin and I are a lot alike in our thoughts and ideas for what the church could be. Problem is Kevin is extremely busy and we haven't talked since I was there for his installation service. I did call him yesterday more to talk about Texas playing USC than ministry though. Kevin is a huge Texas fan, Hook'em Horns! He hasn't returned my call.

I really feel the desire to do something good for people. I don't know if I should give more clothes away to the shelter, buy them some things, or if I should find some needy family and pay a bill for them or what but I am suppose to do something I just feel it. I even dreamed about it last night. I dreamed we gave me old car away, which is silly b/c we traded it in when I got my Big Rig. But there it was the clunker Barney-Mobile, in pretty good condition being given to a family who used to work w/ the youth group when we were pastors. Recently I did hear the father of that family had a car wreck. They always seemed to have trouble having enough cars that ran well enough to go around so I guess that is why I dreamed we were giving them that one. Really wierd I hadn't thought about them in along time. One of their kids was basically slated to be my heir-aparent at one point in ministry but he went away to Bible school and I fell. He loves ministry in Texas and probably won't want to come back. I wouldn't blame him. I believe and hope he has found, as I have, more open minded people who wish to see grace and love spread, through the church.

I end with a quote from June's granddad- we ought to be FOR more things than we're AGAINST.