I have been thinking a lot about this New Year. I want to make a new start in a lot of areas of me. Not really of my life although I am sure somethings need to change like diet and exercise but mostly I want to change. It is funny I have been reading and studying Rob Bell's book "Velvet Elvis" realizing my need to work on some internal things and then today in church the pastor said something about working on becoming somebody before doing something. I really feel that internally is where I have to spend time making resolutions or faith/dream seeds as he called them today. I want to have a healthy self-esteem- too vague right, so what does that look like?(man, Rob Bell would be so happy)For me healthy self-esteem is being comfortable enough to be me and not measure me by some one else. I don't have to be as bright as Bob or as sharp and funny as Kevin or as talented as so and so. I just have to be me. Comfortable in the gifts God has bestowed upon me and using those to the best of my abilities for His ultimate Glory. I must grow those gifts and seek to make them better but not so I can compete with so and so but so I can say I am being the best Johnny I can be not a half-hearted one. I have been half-hearted at almost everything the past few years. The last year in ministry it was b/c I lacked direction and seemed to be in a fog. Then ministry ended and the fog grew thicker as to my future and what happens next. Then saddness came, followed by anger, chased by bitterness and the next thing you know I am consumed in what happened then instead of what is happening now and what happens next. Before I can prepare to fully move on I know I must deal w/ my past. I must bury some dead things, resurrect some buried things, forgive some people, forgive myself, deal w/ grief, deal w/ guilt, deal w/ bitterness, deal w/ doubt on many levels, and figure out how I am wired and what makes me tick. Yes, by 28 I should now at least some of this and maybe on some levels I do or at least thought I did but I feel it is time to search me and re-learn me. I want to know myself so I can bring those hidden corners of my life before God and let Him shine His light of love in there and heal them. I am going to contact our counselors from Colorado to see if they can recommend someone here to help me. I believe this maybe my first step back toward ministry. I do know this, whether I am going back to ministry or not this step must be taken for me if for no one else. I know the cost initially may be high but it is worth it if I can gain sanity and insight.

Three quick thoughts from todays church time:
1) during communion the Scripture was being read about after He was betrayed He took the bread and broke it.- the minister commented on how betrayal and abuse will break us
I immediately thought of my own betrayal- how those I cared for and was giving my life for just dropped me like I never existed over a character flaw that could have been walked through. However, I was made to realize I too have been the betrayer to those who were looking to me to lead in the church(Ed, the church), to those who looked up to me(the youth and friends), and to my wife(it wasn't an affair but I did not treat her w/ the respect someone of her character deserves). That was hard to swallow but a needed thought today.
2.Five years from now describe your perfect week-what job, what would your family realtionships look like, how many kids, what kind of house, where, how much money would you make and give away,etc.?
3.Have you ever done something that made other people astonished/ happy/ want to hear you/want to pay you/ feel better about themselves/etc.? What was it? That could be your great talent/gift.

I will wait to answer the last two in another entry perhaps, I don't want to overload you, our session is almost over.