I am a bitch (revised)
[2005-12-15] - [9:18 a.m.]
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Hopefully not too many of you saw last nights entry by this same title. I was frustrated by somethings in my world and expressed them in a way that should not be done ever! What is really frustrating me is that I am a bitch. That I can't stop picking a part everyting in my life. I did it when I was a pastor toward the church- programs never good enough, my sermons too long, not to the point, not attention grabbing, graphics not right on screens, you name it I bitched about it. Now I do it with other things, job- not enough purpose, etc, house- not big enough etc. Last night I was trying to say that a lot of little things frustrate me, however, as I stated there, I KNOW these are not what is the problem. Our house is not a pig pen. It is beee-a-utiful(in the Bruce Almighty voice)! I love the decor. I have some new ideas on color and what not, but I am really happy here. I am not even really ready to move. Sure as I have mentioned I would love for it to just be June and I against the world and June's mom has some annonaces but hey I am sure mine are far worse. She has bailed us out of more spots that I care to recall, some pretty tough ones, too! I just miss being able to make love anytime as loud as I want(sorry June don't mean to embarrass you on that one but damnnnnnnnn, you good girl!). I am just a bitch right now. I fell like I am the one on the hormones instead of June. My health is horrible at he moment and I am not sure whether the mental is causing the physical or the other way around. Anyway my house is not the problem. AND to June, I'd like to say I am sorry for implying it was. I don't ever want you to clean this house after working all night even if my parents are coming!(HA!-surely you get why that is funny, my mom the freak) I was really trying to say that as a bitch I am focusing on everybody else's mistakes and all other problems instead of my own.That's why I've been running around bitching about everything annd everybody. SOO that being said, let's talk about Johnny. I can't figure me out? Why can't I just be happy? I have the best wife ever, a great job, a loving family, a nice mostly clean house, a big fat cat who thinks I am all that b/c I feed and water her, a super cool new phone and computer, etc. I basically have all the love and admiration a man could ever want, so what the hell is wrong with me? Why do I keep fixating on the negative? Why can't I get my "fall" out of my head with all of its consequences and questions? Why can't I forgive people and stop being bitter?I feel like a tortured man inside with nothing really to be tortured about. I am perplexed as to my future and always feel as if my sins aren't forgiven, by others, by myself or by God- to be really honest. I mean if I really look at it God has blessed me soo much how could I not feel like He has forgiven me and feel like He is close to me yet I feel like I keep wondering from Him. Maybe it is b/c I never pray or read my Bible anymore, I don't know. Then I feel as if I don't really have a purpose in life. Maybe that is b/c typically as men we find our purpose in our jobs and mine seems so purposeless. Don't get me wrong I love my job but mostly b/c of the poeple I work with and the environment. I pretty much know I am not going to be yelled at everytime I go to work and that is huge for me after my last job. They seem to appreciate me and my contribution there. Thing is I feel my contribution is so small. I mean I don't understand the world of business and after over a year as a manager still feel way under trained. I am not anywhere near ready for promotion to the next level. That's probably not a big deal since there is not a next level promotion waiting in the wings it is just before in my previous job it seemed I grew so much faster and was ready for promotion so much quicker. Maybe I wasn't ready. Maybe that was part of the problem. Then I try to find purpose in being a husband and a father. And yeah I pretty much suck in case you didn't know at being a husband. I mean I am bitch. I always seem to screw it up at the worst possible moment in the worst possible way. I let frustrations build and build and then blow up over the stupidest shit in the world. Example you say- this time house, last time, that June didn't meet me at the door after work. Ohh so sorry, Ward, would you like your slippers, too. She's been working for Pete's sake give her a break. She is the absolute best though. Took it hard but then has met me at the door ever chance she has gotten and not rubbed it in too badly. She should have. She should've thrown some beer bottles and told me I ain't "ready to walk no line". Sorry for all of you who haven't seen the movie and aren't Cash fans. Really you aren't Cash fans? What the hell is wrong with you? Opps there goes Johnny focusing on someone else again. Why do I always seem to hurt the ones I love? I am always afraid she is going to leave one day, to finally have enough of my shit and just send me packing. I wouldn't even be able to really argue with her. I know I deserve it. I don't want it to happen and pray like crazy that somehow I can keep it from happening. Trust me if you've been reading her for the past year or so she has censored how fucking horrible I really am. She loves me that much, she'd never go public with it. That's part of why she got so mad about last night's entry from me and I don't blame her, although I really wasn't trying to blame her or say anything negative about her. I was trying to say how big of a bitch I am for focusing on problems outside of myself when I know it is really me that is the problem. I mean I have been bitching to June and in my own head like some fucking idiot about the house, Ed, needing to move, my health, yada yada. Most of it not really significant to anything. Ed isn't the problem, he's not even really in our lives anymore-get past it, Johnny. The house isn't the problem take your lazy ass off his computer and go do the dishes, Johnny. We don't even need to think about moving, we are in a great location, the house is beautiful, and everyone gets along well. IT IS YOU, JOHNNY! Repeat that mantra to yourself today if you go to bitch- IT IS YOU, JOHNNY! YOU must love you. You must make you happy in your own skin again, if you ever really have been. Meds can't do it. All the bitching in the world certainly ain't fixing anything. Today start working on you! I can't fix all the mistakes I've made in my life esp. the past few years as easily as I deleted last nights entry and made this new one but I sure wish I could. Those mistakes are still there unlike that entry and their consequences still seem to haunt me. I hope someday somehow to escape those ghost/demons. To work now, on me!

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